This Makes Me Want to Throw Up

Everything about this interview makes me want to hurl. And not in a good way, like when you make yourself throw up so you can fit into your skinny jeans. No. I mean throw up in a bad way, like encountering the smell of a skunk devouring the rotting corpse of a suicidal racoon who offed himself by drinking too much antifreeze.

Fallen "beauty" contestant Carrie Prejean went on The View and tried to justify her naughty self-pleasuring nudie-tape and her "oops, it was windy that day" boob pics. She tried to blame the fact that The Donald canned her silicone-enhanced sorry self over her "I hate fags" (paraphrasing) speech at the pageant and not her sex-mania.

Seriously, Carrie? Seriously?



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What's Wrong with this Picture? Mel Gibson Edition

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Nice Try: Lindsay Lohan Edition

Don't believe everything you read, kids. Even if it's on the interweb or a celebrity's t-shirt.

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Most Punchable Face in America: Chris Brown Edition

Everyone is talking about what Rihanna-beater Chris Brown said on Larry King Live. "Don't blame me, yo! I don't remember beating down that hoe." Or whatever he said. I can't listen to anything he says he makes me so mad.

So I'm not mentioning what he said. I want to talk about what he wore!

Who told him to wear that stupid bow tie? I'm gonna ignore the fact that he claims he doesn't remember beating the hell out of Rihanna's face. I'm also gonna ignore the fact that he's shown no remorse.

I'm gonna sum up my feelings for Mr. Brown by saying, "That bow tie looks stupid."


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Why is Jon Gosselin Wearing that T-Shirt?

World famous baby-daddy Jon Gosselin is wearing a T-shirt that says "LIES, LIES, LIES, LIES" because:

a.) It's a love note to soon to be ex-wife Kate Gosselin.

b.) Half of the kids aren't his.

c.) He believed American Idol when they said Kara DioGuardi was just going to add to the show and NOT be a replacement for Paula Abdul.

d.) Michael Jackson is alive and well and living in Santa Barbara.

Mischa Barton is Beautiful

I feel like this article should be peppered with the word "allegedly" like every other word. Because what is Mischa Barton on?

She looks horrrrrrrible. Like hooked on meth-strung-out-for-days-will-do-anything-for-a-hit horrible!

But somehow she managed to find someone that will keep her on the payroll. This photo was snapped as she arrived on the set of her tv show The Beautiful Life.

Mischy, this song goes out to you.

The Big Announcement: Duhhhhhh.

No, shockers here. The big, hyped-up announcement on Jon & Kate Plus Eight was that the Gosselins are headed to the Big D (and I don't mean Digital television)!

Apparently, they haven't even lived in the same house at the same time for a couple of years now, except for when the cameras were rolling, of course. So much for the "real" in reality tv.

Here are some suggested names for a spin off.

Kate Ate Jon
Shut Up, B!tch
Who's the Boss
You're Just Like Your Mother
Your Mullet's On Backwards
Wait a Minute... You're Not Posh!
Jon, Kate, and Eight Tax Deductions Up for Grabs
I Don't Even Know You Anymore
Jon & Kate Plus a Bunch of Lawyers
For Love or Money
Custody Battle Royale
Nanny Chronicles
I Like It When You Call Me Big Poppa
Dear Jon Letter
How I Left Your Mother
Octo-Divorcee

Newsflash: Lindsay Lohan is Skinny. Really Skinny

What in the H-E-Double-Visible-Sternum is Lindsay Lohan laughing at? Is she having some sort of hallucination from lack of nourishment?

Food and sleep deprivation does crazy things to the brain. Now, what causes a person to rapidly lose weight and laugh maniacally at figments of their imaginations? ALLEGEDLY!

Maybe the hallucinations aren't making her laugh. Maybe she's laughing because her bellybutton is tickling her back.

Click HERE to see Lindsay's appearances in www.LOLcelebrities.net.

Lady GaGa is Insane... But You Already Knew That

I think there may actually be something wrong with Lady GaGa (if that is her real name). I mean, I get it. She likes to dress in a way that provokes attention and makes people talk. But sometimes, she goes too far.

For instance, what in the H-E-double-uggs is going on with those boots? And did you see the lipstick? NO? Then scroll back up and look at her lips. They're crazy.

I'm starting to think it's a little more than being an attention-grabber. I think she may really and truly be insane.

Crazy or not, I love her! I can't get enough GaGa!

Click HERE to see Lady GaGa's appearance on www.LOLcelebrities.net.

And now enjoy my favorite tune of the moment: Poker Face.

The Saddest, Most Terrifying Photo Ever! Lindsay Lohan Edition

It sucks to be Lindsay Lohan right now. And that's not just my opinion, it's hers too! (Horrible dye job aside. Of course.)

Linds spills her guts out to US Weekly about how crappy her life is right now. Samantha Ronson kicked her to the curb. She's gone through all her Parent Trap money. And she can't get work.

She's basically like the an out of work factory worker from Detroit, only Barack forgot to put a line about her in the stimulus package. However, if I had to guess, I'd say "lines" are what got her into this mess. ALLEGEDLY!

Hotorexia Strikes Again: Bobby Trendy Edition

Have you ever left the house and thought you looked good? Only to see yourself in pictures later and realize you didn't look as good as you thought you did.

I call this condition hotorexia.

Here's fame whore Bobby Trendy with one gigantic flaming case of hotorexia. If you don't know who he is, don't worry. I don't expect you too. Mister/Sister's main claim to fame was redecorating Anna Nicole Smith's house while she was alive and had that reality show on E!

P.S. Hotorexics always google themselves every morning. So, "Hi, Bobby."

Slap, Slap, Slap. Tuna Salad! You're Gonna Love My Nuts!

The ShamWow guy a.k.a. the Slap Chop guy a.k.a. Vince Shlomi got into a tussle with the law recently.

Here's the story in a nutshell. ShamWow guy picked up a hooker at a skeezy club. They checked into a $750 a night hotel (paid for with ShamWow money). He gave her $1000 in twenty dollar bills (paid for with Slap Chop money). They started to make out, she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go until he punched the hoe in the face repeatedly. She made a run for it, he followed her. They both got arrested in the hotel lobby.

Amazingly, both the whore and whoremonger --to quote the King James Version of the Holy Bible-- managed to get the charges dropped.

The Smoking Gun broke the story and posted ShamWow guy's faces-of-meth mugshot. He looks bad, I mean b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d. WARNING: do not click that link! Seriously, don't do it. You do NOT want to see Meth Faces before and after shots.

Just goes to show ya, money can buy you all the meth and prostitutes you want (allegedly of course), but it can't buy you class.

I believe Vince said it best when he said, "linguine, fettucine, martini, bikini!"



[Source]

Rihanna's New Stupid Gun Tattoos

Rihanna just added to her ink. This time she got a bunch of little pistols drawn on her body.

I'm sorry, but they just look stupid. Did Chris Brown beat the class out of her or something?

I used to loooove Ri-Ri. I put her on a pedestal. I adored her and her all daring fashion-forward choices. But now, she just irks me.

Is she serious? Those things have to be the dumbest tattoos I've ever seen... Okay maybe not the DUMBEST... I mean they're not exactly a picture of your demon-possessed daughter on your arm or Pee-Wee Herman's face on your leg (see below) but still. They're pretty dumb.





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Is Lindsay Lohan Broke?

Rumor has it, Lindsay Lohan is as broke as Rihanna's face.

Apparently, homegirl has gone through all her Mean Girls money and hasn't worked since she released her theatrical masterpiece I Know Who Killed Me two years ago.

It's gotten so bad, Linds is living on credit cards and her only source of income is from her personal appearances at clubs and whatnot.

Lesbo shack-job, Samantha Ronson has been bankrolling Lindsay's lifestyle in recent months. (Is Lindsay's lifestyle a choice? Or was she born that way?)

I'm not sure what Miss Lohan has been spending her Benji's on, but I'm pretty sure it's not pixie sticks and ring pops. It's something more expensive... but what could it be??? Hmmm.... I wonder.... allegedly of course!

Someone get Stephen Spielberg on the phone! I have an idea for his next movie. Herbie the Love Bug Meets Schindler's List. In it, Lindsay Lohan and Herbie break into a Nazi concentration camp and rescue Jews from death row before they are put to death! YES!!!! We've got a hit on our hands, Mister Spielberg!

Now, pleeeeease give Lindsay a job. Pretty please with fake tan and hair extensions on top!

[Source]

Straight People: Fighting for the Sanctity of Marriage

Sometimes domestic abuse is funny. Well... not really. It's wrong. But sometimes I like laughing at bad things.

This douche bag is 32 year old Bradley Gellert from Tampa, Florida. Here's two things you should know about old Brad. 1. He loves his marriage. 2. He was wearing that t-shirt the night he was thrown in jail for felony domestic battery by strangulation charges, a.k.a. choking his wife.

No joke. This is his mug shot! He must have studied at the Chris Brown school of relationships. This would be a good place to interject that Bradley is a hottie. So if his wife is anything like Rihanna, they'll be back together by this weekend.

The t-shirt is merch from the movie Fireproof starring the world's hottest evangelical fundamentalist Kirk Cameron. The movie is about a firefighter who thinks about cheating on his wife but never gets around to it. You know, "Why go out for milk when you have a perfectly good cow at home?"

Which is a great philosophy, but the model starts to break down when you begin choking the cow. (Allegedly of course.)

Straight dudes confuse me.

[Source]

Amy Winehouse is a Delicate Flower

The ever lovely and elegant Amy Winehouse appeared in British court this week looking fresh as a daisy. Or at least a dandelion.

She wore a low-cut floral miniskirt with the girls out on display to enter her plea.

Who goes to court dressed like that? And she knew she was showing a little too much boobage. Because as she was walking into the courthouse she covered her cleavage as a gesture of false modesty. As if saying to the paparazzi, "Oh no, me boobs is 'anging out! Wha' am I to do?"

I wonder if she has any brain cells left or has she smoked them all away?

F.Y.I. Homegirl pleaded not guilty to assaulting a fan last year.

The Return of Daisy Duke: Jessica Simpson Edition

Do y'all remember that movie that one time when international superstar Jessica Simpson played Daisy Duke?

Well, apparently Miss Simpson doesn't want you to forget it.

She has drug out her raggedly old cutoffs and has been parading them on stage after stage and there by telling the world, "See there, bitches??? I am not a fattie!!!"

She needs to put some clothes on and start knocking on some doors begging them to give her a reality show again. That's her true calling in life! Not trying to remind us she was in that movie that one time.

Jessie, honey. Beauty comes from within. At least, that's what you should start telling yourself. Because America is over you in those shorts, girl.



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"Rihanna Deserved to be Beat" and Other Stupid Things Kids Say

Kids these days! When I read the following survey results I literally gasped! GASPED!

A survey of 200 teens and tweens in Boston age 12-19 said 46% believe Rihanna was responsible for the incident between her and Chris Brown. WHAT????

Half of today's youth blame the victim? Is this a result of raising a generation on hip-hop videos and Lifetime movies? Where did we go so wrong, America?

The survey also found that 44% believe fighting is a normal part of a relationship.

Noooooo!!!!! Wake up, kids. Oprah is right, "Love doesn't hurt. If he hit you once he will hit you again."

We all already know she took his sorry ass back. Then they made plans to release a duet. Finally, it seems Ri-Ri is refusing to testify against him in the court proceedings.

The survey also found that 52% of the stupid kids think the media is treating Chris Brown unfairly. As in because he's cute, he doesn't deserve to be held accountable for his actions. Seriously kids? Chris Brown is lucky someone hasn't come along and cut a bitch. Alas, violence begets violence and never solves a thing.

I am shocked and appalled by these findings.

Rihanna, I am so confused and disappointed by you. Why go back to your abuser? Why? It's not okay.

I'm at a loss for words.

[Source]


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If You Seek Amy: Britney Spears New Video

So here it is people. Britney Spears's controversial "oh no she did not just say that" music video, If U Seek Amy.

The controversy lies in the line, "All the boys and all the girls are begging to if you seek Amy." True, it makes no sense at all. But it sounds like "begging to F-#-C-K me" and I guess that's the whole point.

Amy never appears in the video. Instead it's Britters dressed like a skank for the first half of the song and dressed like Serial Mom for the second half.

I don't get the song. I don't get the video. I guess it's just gratuitous pushing of the envelope.

I for one am not looking for this Amy person. She sounds like a floozy to me.

FAIL.

Michael Jackson and His Nose Make a Comeback

The self-proclaimed King of Pop Micheal Jackson is alive and well and ready for a comeback! He made the announcement this week in London. Mr. Jackson is pictured above at his big comeback coming out party in the UK wearing a ghetto wig and aviator sunglasses.

Apparently they aren't as freaked out by his freakiness across the pond as we are here.

MJ plans on setting up shop at the famed O2 Arena and doing 20 shows there beginning in July. Good luck with that, Mikey.

I guess this puts a stop to the rumors that he has a flesh eating staph infection in his face. He looks pretty healthy to me. I mean as healthy as a skeleton with silly putty stretched over it can look.

Now for no reason at all, here is one of my favorite old-school Michael Jackson songs. Check out the before and after. This video is Rock with You from 1979, after Michael's first nose job and before the chin and cheek implants that messed up all the natural angles of his face.

For his comeback, Michael should dust off his sequenced jumpsuit and get rid of all the Disney Prince and Sargent Pepper outfits.

Author's Note: This post was written before the untimely death of the King of Pop. Rest in peace, Michael. Click HERE to read all posts containing Michael Jackson. Includes sad and serious, funny and outrageous content before and after his passing.