This Makes Me Want to Throw Up

Everything about this interview makes me want to hurl. And not in a good way, like when you make yourself throw up so you can fit into your skinny jeans. No. I mean throw up in a bad way, like encountering the smell of a skunk devouring the rotting corpse of a suicidal racoon who offed himself by drinking too much antifreeze.

Fallen "beauty" contestant Carrie Prejean went on The View and tried to justify her naughty self-pleasuring nudie-tape and her "oops, it was windy that day" boob pics. She tried to blame the fact that The Donald canned her silicone-enhanced sorry self over her "I hate fags" (paraphrasing) speech at the pageant and not her sex-mania.

Seriously, Carrie? Seriously?



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Literally the Cutest Thing in the History of World. EVER!

Oh my gosh, y'all. When you see this commercial, you will literally want to hug your computer screen. It's that cute. It's beyond cute. Cute isn't descriptive enough.... It's "snugglicious!"

It's a commercial from the New York lottery commission, and who knew gambling was soooo adorable?!?!

They've made another one featuring fluffy bunnies in funny costumes! Click HERE to watch it too!



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Who Buys This Crap?

This is scary, dangerous, and there's no way in the world that it works. Yet for some reason I want one.

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Who Buys This Crap?

I recently stumbled across the above photo. At first I didn't know what it was. Once I figured it out, I discovered it's the most insane invention ever created: Hero the Hot Dog Steamer!

I don't think even the late great Billy Mays and all his Just-For-Men glory could get me to buy one of these things! It's a dog that cooks hot dogs and barks when they are done!!!! How insane can you get?

After finding the photo of the barking wiener warmer, I did a quick youtube search and found a video of it being hocked on the home shopping channel! You must watch this video.

Television at its finest!

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The Best Emmy Moment

With the exception of the charming presence of Neil Patrick Harris who I think is dreeeeamy, Jimmy Fallon stole the show on Sunday night's Prime-Time Emmy Awards.

Check out the video!!! Just when you think someone isn't funny, he goes and makes you laugh!

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Jordan Won Big Brother... But What Was Up With Julie Chen?

Snaps to Jordan the cute little blond from Big Brother 11 who was crowned the winner and walked away with half a million dollars! (That's pre-tax, sweetie. Don't end up like Richard Hatch. Okay?)

Natalie, the game's most unlikable player in all of its history, came in second and took away $50,000. Can someone tell me why she lied about her age? And why she made up the stupid Pandora's box "final-switch" lie? Those just made no sense at all.

Hottie McHotterson Jeff was voted America's Choice and got $25K just for being so dang cute.

But the real news was Julie Chen's choice of gown for finale night! What in the H-E-C-K was she wearing? A snuggie? Or maybe it was a slanket? Someone get CBS on the phone and let's get this hammered out. Inquiring minds want to know!

I mean seriously, Julie. You're pregnant, not watching Turner Classic Movies at home alone on a chilly Sunday night.

The biggest news of the night was what didn't happen. I kept expecting Kanye West to jump up on stage and tell Jordan that Natalie should have won. Luckily he didn't because that would have been a jackass thing to do. And no one wants to be called a jackass.

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This Is Why I Love Kathy Griffin

I love me some Kathy Griffin, despite the fact that my mother thinks she's the devil incarnate. Mostly due to the fact that Miss Griffin told a certain deity to "Suck it." Namely, Jesus.

I understood it was shock for the sake of shock and really was nothing more than a headline grabbing joke. The same way I joke about being an anorexic gold-digger... okay, maybe THAT was a bad example... because that is true... but I think you get the gist of where I was going with that. Kathy's got jokes.

Enjoy America's least favorite redhead pretending to be America's least favorite bleach-blond reverse-mullet mom Kate Gosselin.




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Ellen Degeneres Replaces Paula Abdul on American Idol

GASP!!! This is not a joke, little lambs! This is honest to goodness for real! Ellen Degeneres will be a permanent judge on American Idol!

Here's the low down from a Fox Network press release. During the auditions, there will be several guest judges like Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Kristin Chenoweth, Joe Jonas, Neil Patrick Harris, Avril Lavigne, Katy Perry and Shania Twain.

BUT... AFTER the auditions are OVER, Ellen will fill the seat left vacant by Paula for the rest of the season.

I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm confused, I'm a little sick to my stomach. It's like prom night all over again! Only this time, Ellen will be the one wearing the tuxedo.


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Most Punchable Face in America: Chris Brown Edition

Everyone is talking about what Rihanna-beater Chris Brown said on Larry King Live. "Don't blame me, yo! I don't remember beating down that hoe." Or whatever he said. I can't listen to anything he says he makes me so mad.

So I'm not mentioning what he said. I want to talk about what he wore!

Who told him to wear that stupid bow tie? I'm gonna ignore the fact that he claims he doesn't remember beating the hell out of Rihanna's face. I'm also gonna ignore the fact that he's shown no remorse.

I'm gonna sum up my feelings for Mr. Brown by saying, "That bow tie looks stupid."


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Snuggie for Dogs

It is exactly what you think it is. I can't watch this without laughing hysterically!!!

Enjoy!

Take the Ears But Leave the Hair!!!!

Joe Jonas (a.k.a. "the cute one") made an appearance on the Teen Choice Awards (a.k.a. Nickelodeon's attempt to lure Miley Cyrus away from Disney) and he sat there calmly as notorious ear-nibbler Mike Tyson took a pair scissors to his sacred raven locks.

Doesn't Big Mike know that Jo-Jo's hair is what makes him the cute one!

Mike Tyson is truly, madly, deeply crazy ya'll. I wouldn't let him near me with a ten foot pole much less be inches away from my ears with a cutting instrument.

I aint gonna lie. Of all the ears to nibble on, Big Mike could do worse than Joey-boy's. So gotta give him props for good taste.

The Terrorists Have Won. Paula Abdul Is Not Returning to American Idol.

Weep, America. Weep, wail, and gnash your teeth for this day God weeps with you.

My Prayers Have Been Answered!

Saved By The Bell was the M*A*S*H of my generation. It spoke the words we were needing to say. Important things like, "No Hope With Dope."

And now they're reuniting! (Even if just for a day.)

The cast is being featured on the cover of People Magazine in honor of the 20th anniversary of the first episode in 1989!

Can you believe it's been two decades since mischievous little Zack Morris stumbled into Miss Bliss' classroom? Me either!

No one has changed a bit! No one except Mark Paul Gosselaar. He looks like a totally different person, but the others look exactly like their Bayside yearbook photos.

Apparently, Screech was too busy making another sex-tape or something to make it to the reunion. (Google it, if you don't believe me.)

Grab the caffeine pills, y'all! It's time to celebrate!

Shout Hallelujah! Come On Get Happy!

Haters be damned! I think Katie Holmes rocked this performance. This clip has been everywhere since it aired on this week's So You Think You Can Dance. But I'm not a fan of the show, so I hadn't watched the clip until today.

Why is everybody hatin' on Kate's performance? She's awesome? Sure, she sounds a little on the Chippette side, but still. She rocked it.

P.S. While you're in a good mood, check out The Dizzy Feet Foundation.

Nothing I Can Say: Total Eclipse of the Sun

The solar eclipse on July 22 will be the longest of the century. You know what that means, right? We're all gonna discover our superpowers!

I want Bonnie Tyler's superpower: the ability to cause men to spontaneously burst into synchronized dance numbers when I walk in the room, regardless if they are dressed in swim trunks, tuxedos, or ninja gear!

P.S. The eclipse won't be seen in America, just in Asia. (Insert Hiro Nakamura joke from Heroes here.)

Jessie Godderz Returns for Big Brother 11

Last summer I wrote some harsh words about arrogant Big Brother houseguest Jessie Godderz and how he was no stranger to the camera lens.

You can check out what I said HERE. But the gem of the entire article was not his appearance on a gay-for-pay soft porn site. (Don't know what I'm talking about? Read the article.). No, it was this fan tribute video I found set to Carly Simon's Jessie that is the best video I have ever seen.

It doesn't get any crazier.

P.S. Totally safe for work, unless you don't want your coworkers to see you ogling a man with bulging muscles covered in baby oil.

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock

Sheldon Cooper is a role model. Take notes and learn something from the master.

Scissors cut paper.
Paper covers rock.
Rock crushes lizard.
Lizard poisons Spock.
Spock smashes scissors.
Scissors decapitate lizard.
Lizard eats paper.
Paper disproves Spock.
Spock vaporizes rock.
Rock crushes scissors.

Big Bang Theory: one of the best shows in the history of the world!

That is all. Carry on.

Idol Re-Airs Michael Jackson Night

OMG! American Idol should re-air isolated episodes of the show more often! I totally enjoyed reading my old comments and knowing who gets voted off and then seeing how the judges target who they want to get voted off next.

This time around, I noticed Paula Abdul seemed to be on the verge of tears with every little comment she made. What was that about? I also noticed, Scott MacIntyre was horrible... way worse than I remember.

So just for kicks, here was I had to say after the first time the show aired. It's eerie how well it sums up the entire season.


American Idol and Michael Jackson: A Match Made in Crazyville.
Originally published March 11, 2009

"A huge red flag goes up when someone on American Idol says they are going to sing a Michael Jackson song. I immediately think they are crazy or a pervert or a crazy pervert.

You can imagine my surprise when the powers that be decided to dedicate an entire episode to the Michael Jackson catalog! Craziness galore!

Here's my take on the performances.

Lil Rounds is one of the best singers on the show, but totally bored me. I just stared at her butt in those white pants.

I've not been a fan of Scott MacIntyre the blind dude. But this time I drank the Kool-Aide. Maybe it was the piano, but I love me some Scott now.

Danny Gokey the guy with the dead wife rocked it.

The roughneck Michael Sarver sounded all country to me, but the judges were like, "Blah, blah, we love you all R&B."

Why were they so mean to the pretty little girl Jasmine Murray? I thought she was great. But whatever.

Kris Allen the guy with the live wife made me swoon with his hot rendition of Remember the Time.

I also liked Allison Iraheta the 16 year-old chick with the fake red hair and smokers voice.

Who doesn't love Anoop Dogg Desai, but his rendition of Beat It was more like Let's Play Hopscotch.

Jorge Nuñez and his eyebrows continued to seduce me even if he can't sing too good in the English.

Megan Joy the tattoo girl is so quirky that you just got to love her. Tweet, tweet.

Adam Lambert the drag queen is so awesome... he can sing anything and make it sound cool.

Matt Giraud the bluesy piano guy is like the love child of Justin Timberlake and Robin Thicke. He is an amazing singer, but as soon as he's done I forget what he just sang. It's happened every time he's been on the show. Which isn't good if he wants to stay on the show.

Alexis Grace the M.I.L.F. with pink hair came out wearing her best Mardi Gras beads and sang like she was in a Christina Aguilera tribute concert.

BTW, Did anyone else miss Tatiana Del Toro the laugher? Just asking?"

Love & Marriage 101

Why as adults do we insist on making things so complicated? Why are we compelled to pollute our world with hate, discrimination, and misdirected anger?

Let's return to the the child-like simplicity of Sesame Street's Grover and his friends who answer the questions, "What is marriage?" and "What is love?"

The Big Announcement: Duhhhhhh.

No, shockers here. The big, hyped-up announcement on Jon & Kate Plus Eight was that the Gosselins are headed to the Big D (and I don't mean Digital television)!

Apparently, they haven't even lived in the same house at the same time for a couple of years now, except for when the cameras were rolling, of course. So much for the "real" in reality tv.

Here are some suggested names for a spin off.

Kate Ate Jon
Shut Up, B!tch
Who's the Boss
You're Just Like Your Mother
Your Mullet's On Backwards
Wait a Minute... You're Not Posh!
Jon, Kate, and Eight Tax Deductions Up for Grabs
I Don't Even Know You Anymore
Jon & Kate Plus a Bunch of Lawyers
For Love or Money
Custody Battle Royale
Nanny Chronicles
I Like It When You Call Me Big Poppa
Dear Jon Letter
How I Left Your Mother
Octo-Divorcee