The Return of Daisy Duke: Jessica Simpson Edition

Do y'all remember that movie that one time when international superstar Jessica Simpson played Daisy Duke?

Well, apparently Miss Simpson doesn't want you to forget it.

She has drug out her raggedly old cutoffs and has been parading them on stage after stage and there by telling the world, "See there, bitches??? I am not a fattie!!!"

She needs to put some clothes on and start knocking on some doors begging them to give her a reality show again. That's her true calling in life! Not trying to remind us she was in that movie that one time.

Jessie, honey. Beauty comes from within. At least, that's what you should start telling yourself. Because America is over you in those shorts, girl.



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Jessica Simpson Shows Off Her New Accessories

Here's the truth. Skinny girls don't have boobs. They just don't. That is unless they buy them.

And anyone who's ever heard Jessica Simpson's dad Joe talk about his "wittle gurl Jessie" knows that her breasts are real.

So homegirl has embraced those fat rumors and turned them around for her good. She went from fat to phat!

A good fashionista knows you compliment your best assets. Things don't have to be matchy-matchy. But they need to go. Those earrings go with her breasts. It's just that simple.

Jessica is just complimenting her bestest features. Which begs the question, Jessica Simpson: Fat or Phat?

Jessica Simpson Has a Bad Case of Front-Butt

International Superstar Jessica Simpson totally rocked sported a pair of Wal-Mart clearance-rack mom jeans as she entertained the locals at a big chili cookoff in Florida.

That's what I love about Jess. She'll do anything for a buck or to get in the gossip blogs. Mission accomplished, girlfriend. No press is bad press. Right?

Any way back to the pants. Mom jeans are a sin because they make your legs half as long and your butt twice as big.

These particular jeans are doubly sinful because they give you a butt in the back and the front! Don't let front-butt happen to you.




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Happy Thanksgiving, Little Lambs!

Feast your eyes on this delicious picture of international superstar Jessica Simpson. She's golden-brown perfection. Homegirl is a real triple-threat. She's hot, juicy, and delicious. Slap the word Butterball across those breasts and she's good to go for the holiday!

Thanksgiving is a day to remember all the good things the Lord has done for us. Today when you enjoying your own golden-brown deliciousness with your friends and loved-ones, be sure to say a prayer to the baby Jesus. Whether you picture him in a tuxedo shirt or as a ninja, say a prayer today. But I'll leave the spiritual stuff for Deep Sundays. In the meantime, I'll turn it over to Ricky Bobby to say grace.

Gimme A Freakin' Break! Jessica Simpson's New Gig

Yet again Jessica ceases to amaze me! Truly this girl is amazing.

She will do anything for a buck. ANY-THING!

She has turned herself over to pimping vitamin beer! Yes, beer. Why? I don't know why. Only the Lord Almighty knows...Him and her father Joe Simpson. They are the only two who know why she would do this.

It's like she's saying to all the rednecks of the world, "Look at me, Look at me! I'm so country I drink vitamin beer!" Whuuuh? Does that even make sense?

When I saw this poster for vitamin beer called Stampede Light Plus, I threw up a little. And not like I normally do after dinner. I mean really it makes me ill.

I never drink beer because A. It's disgusting and B. it's like drinking liquid donuts, full of carbs and calories only without the deliciousness.

And now to imagine Jessica Simpson's over-inflated lips slobbering all over a bottle of beer enriched with B-vitamins is enough to make the trisket I had for lunch come back up.

Who Dat? I Think It's Carrie Underwood

Here we go again, little lambs. What is the deal with unrecognizable magazine covers? Can you guess who in the name of all things vegan this is?

I initially thought Allure magazine brushed off some random, old photo of Madonna's first face for the September cover.

But no, it's not Madonna. Look closely, squint your eyes and tilt your head a little and you'll see it. Nope, it's not Jessica Simpson either.

It's country-fried diva Carrie Underwood!

I love Sister Underwood because she can pull off any look, and she has so many of them. But seriously y'all, when you're unrecognizable...maybe it's not Maybelline. Maybe it's photoshop gone wrong.

In the issue, Carrie reveals that her ex Tony Romo still calls sometimes just to chat. Because you know his current blond Jessica ain't too good with the conversating.

I smell a new reality series... or at least a cell phone commercial. Who's in your fav five? Can you hear me now?

Jessica Shoots...She Scores!

I talk a lot of smack about celebrities and their fashion faux pas! Rarely do I give props when props are due, at least to the female celebs. So this might be hard for me to do...but here goes.

Jessica Simpson was seen out and about town earlier this week in this lovely red number. She looks amazing! It shows her shape without giving away the goods. It's classy without being stodgy. And she's giving a shout out to the her country base by accessorizing with a rosary and a separate cross necklace. And of course the bigger the hair, the better!

Her dress is saying to her fans, "Look y'all, I'm just like you. You're conservative Christians from the red states who listen to country music. And I'm the divorced daughter of a former preacher wearing a red dress who's trying to sing country music. We're made for each other! Love me. Somebody please love me!!!"

Jessica, honey. I love you. And I love you in this dress!

Meow!

Jessica Simpson is Huge! In More Ways than One

Jessica Simpson has been in the news a lot lately.

To begin with, she released a country album. Which I think is her true calling. And always has been.

Rather than being a mediocre film, tv, and pop-star. Homegirl has a real shot at being a huge country star. If she could only live down the obvious comparisons to Carrie Underwood.

Which brings us to the next story about Jessica. She was seen traipsing through the airport with her on-again off-again beau Tony Romo who just happens to be Carrie Underwood's ex-boyfriend. Big whoop right? Wrong. She was wearing a t-shirt that said, "Real Girls Eat Meat." Catty!!!

Carrie Underwood is a avid vegetarian and has twice been voted "Sexiest Vegetarian in the World" by PETA.

After shaking her meat-fist in Carrie's face, how does Miss Underwood respond? With dignified silence.

The American Idol may be a sexy vegetarian, but In Style just crowned Jessica Simpson's breasts as the best rack in Hollywood. See? Papa Joe was right.

Giant racks brings us to the next headline.

Jessica's meat-shirt hacked off Vegan-Playmate Pamela Anderson! Pammy went on Australian radio and called Jessica "a b*tch and a wh*re."

Ooooooo....no she didn't! Chick Fight!

The only thing hotter than a chick fight is a blond chick fight filled with silicone! Can you imagine those two going after it? Polyester chunks of hair and acrylic nails flying everywhere!

Who knew country music was so exciting?

For all you pervs out there, here is the rest of In Style's best boobs list:
1. Jessica Simpson
2. Tyra Banks
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Carmen Electra
5. Lindsay Lohan
6. Katherine Heigl
7. Audrina Patridge
8. Jennifer Aniston
9. Megan Fox
10. Beyonce Knowles

She'll Do Anything For A Buck

I have a secret crush. It's Jessica Simpson.

I love her! Why? Is it her hot bod, blond hair, or smokey eyes?
Nope. Doesn't ring my bell.

Why do I love her? Because homegirl will do anything for a buck. I love an attention whore. That makes Jessica practically my soul-mate.

She'll sell anything you put in front of her. She'll do anything you ask her to, just to make a buck. Anything that is except appear completely naked. Even though she gets pretty darn close.
(Which is more than you can say for most of Hollywood.)



She's not ashamed to peddle gum, pimp hair extensions, demonstrate acne cream, entertain the troops, make Z-list movies, get married to Nick Lachey...basically anything her dad tells her to do.

Now add to the long list of anythings: bizarre magazine covers.

Miss Simpson has recreated Virna Lisi's famous 1965 shaving photo for Esquire Magazine. It's the mag's 75 anniversary.

Lisi's cover was seen as a powerful metaphor representing a cultural shift in the minds of corporate America due to the emerging feminist movement.

Papa Joe probably has childhood memories of the original, and thought it would be hot to see his little Jessie got all lathered up and do it again.

Tell me what you think. Is it as sexy and scandalous as the original? Or more like a drag queen getting ready for work in the morning?